Deadpool Gets a Scam Call
by megamatt09
Summary: A gentleman calls and claims there's a problem with Wade's Wilson's Windows(alliteration for the win). Unfortunately, dealing with Deadpool may be a slight bit hazardous to your health.


Wade Wilson the Merc with the Mouth and the future cinema sensation also known as Deadpool sat in front of his computer, minding his own business and doing the things you'd expect someone like Deadpool to do on the Internet.

The telephone off to the side of his desk rang. Deadpool snatched it up.

"Uncle Wade's House of Pancakes!" Deadpool cheered.

"Hello, sir, we are calling for you from the technical support department at Windows," an obviously Indian man said over the phone.

"We understand you've been having a problem with your Windows."

"Wait, are you the repairman I called for three weeks ago?" Deadpool asked. "You see, it's getting really drafty in here. Some punk kid broke my windows with a rock. Granted, I egged his house, but he started it by trampling my prized petunias. And I was wondering when you would get around to fixing my windows."

"No problem, sir, no problem, could you please start up your computer so we can get started?" the man over the phone asked.

"Okay, I'm not sure why starting up my computer has anything to do with anything," Deadpool said. "I just want to know when you're going to put in the new windows, because seriously, it's cold, and I could be getting the chills."

"Alright, sir, is your computer booted up now?" the man asked.

"Yeah, yeah, sure, just let me put in my password," Deadpool said.

He typed in his user name and the word "password" in the password field before logging onto his computer. His computer booted up to the desk top.

"We have been getting some error messages from your computer, sir," the man said.

"Wait, my computer was talking to you?" Deadpool asked. "Oh, this is serious….I bet it's Ultron, he's normally behind something like this."

The man on the phone continued on, almost like he was reading off of a pre-made script or something.

"Sir, I need you to go to the Internet and download something," the man said over the phone. "So, I can take a look and see what the problem is?"

"Wait, you're going to be spying into my computer, now?" Deadpool asked. "You're not going to use my web cam to see me dancing around naked in my underwear, are you?"

"Sir, I am just trying to help you with your computer, there is no need to be belligerent," the Indian man said on the other end of the phone said. "There is something wrong with your computer."

"Come to think of it, it's been acting funny ever since I went on Plus Sized Vixens Dot Net," Deadpool said. "Everything has been so slow to boot up."

"Yes, sir, it would be, because you have a problem," the man said over the phone. "Don't worry though, we are here to help you."

"You're here to help me," Deadpool said. "Okay, do you know of a better porn site?"

"Sir, I will have you download a program, which will allow me to take control of your computer….."

"Wait, you need to take control of my computer?" Deadpool asked. "I'm no expert, but doesn't that seem a little bit dodgy?"

"Sir, I can help fix your computer, and remove all of the viruses, and it will be no big deal at all."

"Oh, well fair enough," Deadpool said. "So, what is your name?"

"John from Florida," the man said in the thickest Indian accent.

"Oh, really," Deadpool said. "Because, you don't sound like John, and this call is being traced, and I know you're not from Florida."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, sir….."

"Oh, I think you know what I mean, John," Deadpool said. "If that is your real name, you seem like a dodgy type to begin with. I call you three weeks ago to inquire about getting a new window, you don't call me back now, and you talk about all of the viruses on my computer and the fact my computer has been talking to you. And what's worse, you can't hook me up with some hot, spicy, Bollywood porn!"

The man on the phone started to stammer.

"You know, Johnny, I think you're either a spy or a crook," Deadpool said. "Have you heard of an organization called HYDRA?"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," the man on the phone said.

"Sounds like something someone from HYDRA would say," Deadpool said. "Or, you're just one of those Internet scam artists who try and trick unsuspecting people to give up their credit card information and you drain their bank accounts dry."

The man started to yell at Deadpool in his native language.

"Did you just call me a camel wanker?" Deadpool asked. "Look, I don't have to put up with your disrespect. Nick Fury's my home boy, and I can have him trace you where you're holed up, and in can drop one of those big ass bombs on your scamming ass."

"Sir, please, I'm just a humble man, I just want to help you with your Windows computer….."

"Windows computer?" Deadpool asked. "I have a Mac."

Deadpool hung up on the phone and sighed.

"Ladies and gentlemen, moral of the story is, if anyone calls up from Microsoft, or Windows in the case of the uniformed, chances are they aren't," Deadpool said. "So don't let them fool you with their scare tactics. They aren't from Microsoft."

Deadpool looked serious, or as serious as someone wearing a mask could look.

"I'd like to say a sucker is born every minute," Deadpool said. "A lot of these scams target senior citizens though, who may have diminished mentally, or at least this is the hopes of these dirty rotten scam artists. So, educate your elders, and warn them not to give their personal information. This goes for people of all ages really. Don't give out your personal details and don't cave in to scare tactics. You must have….."

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Mad-Eye Moody yelled before slipping out of the picture, cameo over.

"Yes, exactly," Deadpool said. "So spread the word, only you can prevent forest fires. Or something."

The phone rang again, and Deadpool picked it up.

"Hello?" Deadpool said. "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Rachel from Card Member Services."

 **End.**


End file.
